Organized Chaos

So, because I am not able to contain myself to a single topic on a single blog, probably the same way I am a so-far failed author of very long books that all have disorganized manuscripts that can’t contain themselves to a single story, I have to organize myself. A blog is definitely much easier to sort than a novel would be, and… I’ve put down tens of thousands of words to dozens of manuscripts that I wrote in moments of inspiration that could not take the time to be organized.

Well, I didn’t always know this and I didn’t just learn it either, but it’s necessary to be organized with every step bigger that you get. Whatever it is, it starts with a loss of efficiency and speed, which are (in some things) also virtues to me. I’m fast at things that I do because I like to reorganize and breaks things down into their smallest parts so that I can make them run more efficiently if I can. If you were reading this post about giving categories to my writing, you might see how this can in itself get a little bit out of order.

I’m like conflicting aspects of the same deity. One is determined to reorganize everything not to a state of perfection, but to the state of searching for
perfection. The other brings discord to everything that it touches and revels in the possibilities of disorder. The first patiently cleans up for his well-being after the second, (and the impossibilities of disorder), who has no idea that anyone is even there in the first place to have to do this. Both discover amidst the turmoil of resisting one another how to 1) Discipline yourself. 2) enjoy himself.

You might rush to call this god afflicted with multiple personalities. I think it manifests inside me as affective type moods, and not like dissociative “personalities” — I don’t know. I think if I had some affective type pychosis from very manic states, followed by depression that wasn’t sad (just sleepy for a good spell and necessary) — which I don’t think it’s fair to call it psychosis just if involves hallucinations. I’m clearly not an expert and anything I know is a thing I read somewhere. But I think you have to believe the hallucinations are real sometimes if not always, and you have to think that things make sense that don’t. You would have no kind of internal or external logic.

Logic is the thing required if you are mad, I think. You can’t have faith in things that seem like they are true for illogical reasons. Or you can obviously, but it’s not a good mixture I wouldn’t think. That’s why the auditory hallucinations you often hear described are the voices of god and other random shit that logic doesn’t have any time for. So, whereas I might be like, “I saw in the flames what blah bity blah,” I am just like, “Hrm, that’s very annoying now (definitely not interesting anymore, to experience but, logically, I can’t really assume that if I hear the voice of god that that means there is a voice of god. Or whatever it is. It makes you take a back step. It takes bravery and and patience sometimes even to walk out into the world surrounded by what things are possibly not making your life easier to do functionally. And if you do for a moment experience a thing you are scared to believe or whatever, with a mind for logic and not for faith, you are more likely I would have to guess able to live functional life. I do my best. Luckily, this affective type thing means it comes and goes with the degrees of affective shifting. Any form of path to psychosis I might experience has only ever been the result of a given situation, that would not always remain to torment me in more mentally stable times.

I mean literally stable — as in neither down for the count depression or over the top manic force of nature — something in the middle.

If anything, the use of tags will allow me to continue points where I left them more easily. Or I don’t know. I’m not even certain that my organizations are always organized. I wouldn’t describe me as OCD, but I am capable of understanding what that might be like. To be so obsessed with organization that you are actually less efficient. The thought of this disgusts and terrifies me, so I cannot allow that possibility to be ignored without rift making sure that it will never get too out of hand (again).

I am ending up getting very personal on here, but there is a lot of personal things I’m going to try to avoid. but it’s impossible to have the psyche category without being quite personal enough, which is mainly going to include the amateur case study of my own self. It’s not intended to be thorough, however. This blog is a slightly too public “publication” for some details.

I can be a piece of work, but I’ve managed to be stronger than I once was and I think I deal with it, surprisingly as it seems to with time get worse, much better.


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