Posts by the dull sound of sharp math

My blog is https://zinewritten.wordpress.com and it's only just recently up and being published to. Give me a read, maybe give me a like, and if you're into following blogs, maybe you should do that. Or write one yourself, and pass me the link if you think I'll bite.

sharing other peoples’ blog posts

random girl posts a blog post about sxe hxc and pma:
https://straightedgegirlblog.wordpress.com/…/positive-ment…/

not that I entirely, identify, but sharing in a documentarian sort of way…

the average wikipedia article about the bands she speaks about might say something like, “xxx was a band that mixed positive outlook with very stringent regulations on what constitutes a positive outlook.”

the way of all religious thinking, really; but, as the girl says, she has never met a sxe person without a mental problem.

Sometimes maybe religious ideas and stringent regulations are how people manage.

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The Selfie Paradox

So, this is my new series of serialized fiction to be released on Fridays

https://www.wattpad.com/myworks/148642013-the-selfie-paradox

There are two chapter done and the third I just updated (late) with a rough draft to at least try to honor my weekly commitment to write it. More on that later. It’s my birthday.

My Pathfinder D&D and RPG Endgame

I more or less am not interested in running tabletop RPGs anymore. They take more planning and organization than I am capable of dedicating time to, and to be honest, I don’t enjoy the game as much as I once did. No matter how much planning I put into it, I find that the game is too time consuming, is difficult to keep up, and the social aspect of it is the hardest part to be honest.

I took many years for me to realize this. And I would ideally like it if weren’t that way, but.., though I would consider playing in an game as a character, it’s unlikely that I would dedicate the time even to that. I’d much rather just write to be honest, or… to the outrage of my teenage D&D nerd self: play a video game.

The stuff depicted in the picture… It’s a fraction of the shit I would like to sell. The books are easy enough to appraise the current value of, but the miniatures…. I’m not sure what to ask for them. I’d prefer to just lump them all into one pot and sell them all at bulk for a fair but reasonable amount of a bulk purchase. With all those tiles and set pieces, it’s really just a lot of junk unless you’re particularly interested in using that stuff.

But there is a lot of it. More than WordPress will let me upload to show you.

And I’m not necessarily trying to push it on you via WordPress. But it’s official. My time with D&D and games like it is fairly over.

Memories of a Thing I Was Over

I spent hours writing a thing that when I stopped writing it, I instantly felt the opposite thing I had spent hours writing. I might post that thing later, but… it feels kind of incomplete, and I’m done writing it.  It’s like, how did I spend hours expressing a certain feeling only to lose it entirely the moment I stopped, and feel, “How did you feel that?”

I don’t really know how insane of a thing it is, and I figure I’ll read it when I wake up and decide what I think.  But I already know that the things I wrote, I don’t feel anymore, if I did feel them briefly

If I had to describe it in a few words… concern, and the feeling of revisiting an old thing wasn’t very good maybe. I’m slightly sad about it, but I think I’m just worn out. I’ll get over it.

It was kind of an emotional day, and I wanted to believe some of the nice things said, but I don’t. I saw an old friend. I feel like she’s on her way to prison, and as much as I can’t lose fondness for people from the past, I don’t know how good it was to have revisited it and talked about certain things.

I didn’t like seeing her like that, even if I have no place to judge. When I knew her, she was definitely not an angel at all. She might be one of the most fucked up people I know. She scares me a little bit, I think she means well. Or I don’t know if she does or not.

Mostly, she seems like she’s not okay. I really, truly want her to be. But I think I should just step back… I didn’t expect to feel memories of a thing I was over so vividly. But, ti’s just memories. They’re only too vivid right now, and it will pass I think.

Commentary About Fortnite I Was Forced to Go Into Great Detail With

Screenshot (146)
Do you kind of suck at competitive video games, often not know any of the rules, die frequently, and continue to do so very slowly less as you don’t actually give a fuck about improving? Then maybe you’d like to play it with me! Join my not very active discord server and follow me on my not very consistently live Twitch to connect with me! 😛
https://discord.gg/JBDKn5H
https://www.twitch.tv/virulent.factor
If you don’t know what it is, I’ll tell you why you should get it and play with me and how easily you can do that, unlike few other games that have existed before — for free, on most any devicethat you have or are comfortable with using and play it, mostly with people on your platform, but ultimately with anyone you know who agrees to play it it with you from any platform. Or at least, ideally… in most devices. And it will continue to add more. Unlike many games that have resisted cross platform, Fortnite will show the game devs of the world how much it is the way of the best multiplayer games that could exist.

I know the reasons you might not want to play it. Though some things about it are sparse and far more random than when compared to a more precision based engine (like, random character models not easily customized; the proccing occurrence of the variables in a set that are possible outcomes when a thing happens based on certain conditions, for example like “does it feel like the Desert Eagle gets a headshot from this distance on the first shot of its equipment and then not typically after that, strangely as if it was designed that way with a chance of “how recently was that change noticed?” and “yeah, we all definitely noticed that this update.”) And that’s really pushing on mechanics judgement for the sake of the greater problem you may have if you hate Fortnite.
“It’s a very cartoony game. I couldn’t play that.”
As if your war game play time as little boys goes on with you to pretend your video games are not as well a bloody cartoon of warfare themselves, so… I don’t see what the problem is if you lack that delusion. I can’t judge you for your tastes; mine aren’t any better than yours. However, your aesthetic has dominated gaming culture for a good while, with a nameless sea of characteristic FPS games that verily did overshadow everything else — or, if that’s an exaggeration, then let it go without argument that many genres died out or nearly did or were transformed into quasi shooters for assimilation into an overly narrow minded perspective about the presentation of video games that would buy and sell — and then come out again, the same exact game, and buy and sell.
But guess what. There’s no harm/no foul, all things are constantly in a position of one day going to be very different. And you can go along with that, not bitterly upset over a particular zeitgeist; also following that: you cannot be bitterly upset that things are marked by an era, and changed — replaced by other things. Cultures become and die out on marco and micro levels alike.
I hope you will not for long continue to lament “the state of games right now” as things are being phased out to be replaced by qualities of the what would frankly become as narrow minded in their own ways as you can be, if given the movement you and the momentum that early console FPS of the online era had. And I would think it safe to say that for all the momentum “the most popular game in the world, Fortnite” has, there’s a lot more belligerent? — strongly opinionated? — curiously hateful of? having something to say about what you think of it being such a hit than playing PC games on consoles with controller and accessing the Internet in a way that nearly wiped out the old concept of multiplayer.
And, as I recall it, realizing this was an after thought for many people, amazed by the technological advance (the old one that happened on PC a long time before the general public would find it and result in a mainstream shift of games into appealing to entirely different demographics of people who had lots of fun with those shooter games… that they played very, very exclusively those years… and didn’t have a complaint about it. |

People like me did, but we just didn’t really feel like playing another round of Call of Duty. Nothing personal. And when we went home, we played games by ourselves maybe — maybe another craze had us, like the MMORPG (which I’d rather not play than an RPG, but at the very least, it was a craze understanding of its niche nature, not expecting every game to mold into its fucked off value of how a game should be). But either way, the grand finale here is that now your games are being affected by the more popular things growing as people are finally bored of Call of Duty,  after a lot longer of time than I was bored of it to say the least.

PUBG, which I’ve gone thus far without mentioning, is a game that caries the hopes of your utter boredom with Call of Duty and all games likes it into the new genre archetype of Battle Royale, which unfortunately for that hope, it is finding itself the poorly operational project that it is (a better idea than a game, really) of a game that was released broken, is updated with broken fixes, and in the next week or two after being fixed will be broken again. I’m sure whatever you might have to say contesting this is not very confident, since it’s obviously true to anyone who is familiar with how for all its attempts at realism, it hits some fucked up buggy shit that makes no sense as precision competitive gaming is bugging out in little ways that make random determinations in Fortnite look pretty calculated, as your war cry is, “What the fuck is this bullshit” because you’re part of one of gaming’s newer subcultures.

Yes, you’re a tryhard, and that mean that the leader boards and the wins and the losses that you count up… are emotionally effecting you like the way a sport affects an athlete who plays it, or maybe just a person who likes to watch it. The fucked up things about it are accepted, like the calls a ref makes, but the thing is a of the magnitude that a person concerned with almost definitely is having delusions about it if they are really worked up. Like, the degree to which you’re upset by a call made by a ref or a proc in a game that results in your loss, directly correlates to how likely it is that whatever you have to say about that is fucking crazy and not even close to that big of deal. You rarely scream “This is Bullshit” with a rational detailing of the logic. It’s definitely very likely to sound like something that is very like crying, entitled, poor sportsmanship that blows up its own importance so big that it can’t even see it.

And if you’re that invested in the game, it becomes difficult to play PUBG, doesn’t it? You can scream about the ref calls over and over and over, but if you’re sensible, you’re probably doing what a lot of people are doing — they’re not playing PUBG anymore, not until a new update, which they find is a temporary solution to issues that are only some of the many. And yep, I know that a lot of you enjoy the shit out of PUBG and are especially mad at Fortnite for the shift its going to create as all these Battle Royale games start coming out that are dareisay cartoony from the looks of the alphas I’ve seen. And, you may not have your own aesthetic destroyed entirely, but… you’re going to have to watch as everyone quits playing your game to play what for now is Fortnite, and now you get to play the niche dying genre as I’m having fun with Fortnite and and am not even concerned with the “state of gaming” (DrDisRespect) and how games not exactly like your one genre specific FPS game has all been forced to share space with games of characteristic things that are while still fundamentally shooting games, ever not the sorts of games that you would even be willing to entertain the idea of as anything but inferior games of an unwelcome different characteristic than the ones ordained in the era of the PS3.

That era is over now. But  guess what? It’s so easy to just get the fuck over it. It’s not the god damned end of the world. Try to enjoy yourself, the way we did in your time, and eventually stop bitching about the old days maybe if you’re not only the most common of motherfuckers who will do this into their old age. I do empathize, but not as much as I enjoy new things occasionally enough without ever concerning myself with the things that aren’t being played (or made) anymore.

And yeah, I guess it is just another game that everyone is playing, and if you don’t like it, it’s kind of disconnecting, but take heart. It will transform into some new again. Maybe next round you’ll have coped with your losses and genuinely enjoy the newer spirit of the times.

That’s where I find myself with Fortnite, which I fell into originally as spectator, since as I said… having never been very into a game with a competitive nature online where a very serious competition will ensue as everyone playing it is connected with all the very serious players. So, even after watching a lot of games and starting to understand a lot of the rules like someone when they first start watching basketball or football become familiar with the terms used and the rules applied and etc. I like the damned game. I watch it similarly to watching Basketball. I casually enjoy it enough to watch it, if I’m not exactly a fanatic. I can name some of the best players and have favorites. I can talk about which thing which player is good at, and etc. etc. But verily let’s not forget, I still and possibly always will suck at the game. At its core, its very like your games. And I never really could want to play the mothers. So I get it. You don’t want to play Fortnite. But guess what. I’m going to be out here talking about it, and too bad so sad, so is everyone else. So, if you’re not going to play it with us, I get it.

But you really should.

You see, it’s by virtue of a less “realistic” game that you have seen other most popular games in the world arise. League of Legends, which is the bigger esport game than your FPS games from last gen could have ever been, because being the grossly graphical emphasis on expensive to make Triple A titles that not everyone has access to are never going to become an esport the way a game you can play like soccer is played all over the world — by anyone with an amount of space and an object to use as a bloody ball — can easily play and enjoy watching, at varied skill levels, all the way up to the very best. Soccer is the most popular sport in the world, and that fact is why.

Like League, Fortnite’s business model is free to play, without having need to be cheat out money like a shitty app,  because they are so popular that they are hugely profitable, result in continued development, get exposure as people have to see what it’s about (after all, it’s free); which, brings me to the other thing.

The people who made Fortnite intended for Fortnite to be at least two things that no the game isn’t. It was to be a tower defense and building game and it has a single player mode, which like most people, I cannot tell you the first thing about. All I know is that at whatever point in development, they made a Battle Royale mode which oddly had mechanics in it for an utterly unexpected style of gaming — the collecting of materials, for use in the instant conjuration of ramps, walkways, walls roof, flooring, that could be instantly used in defense against a firefight.

So, possibly without intention, a free to play game unlike any seen previously comes about with a different approach to the whole game just based on that aspect alone. You can’t be the very best on the basis of you’re a marksman sniper who peaks at the right times or whatever. No, you have to figure out what to do about the walls that just fly up into elaborate complexes of omni-directional platforms and block, protect, route, juke, and win out the game with a set of tactics that are — yes, they are supremely unrealistic, but in the process make for a game that is about being a good game, not about realistically being your gun murder fantasy. No judgement, I’m just saying. That’s what you got, can’t even watch some damned cartoons and shit.

And not to generalize people who like them, because it’s not your individual fault exactly, for your tastes in a thing. But… your criticism of other things that people like as if it’s not a legitimate thing to like, and it’s less than what you’re into because of x,y,z.

I shouldn’t have to be writing this huge manifesto on how all the people bitching about Fortnite are all full of shit. You don’t have to want to play it, but it’s a great game that is achieving success against the odds because it’s a well done game that is more unique than half of the games you’d drool over, and its blowing up into what it is because it’s got the makings of an esport that people will watch…

And, let’s have a look, shall we? In case you missed it, it’s not an accident… And its old news thats been this way long enough for everyone to be talking.

Screenshot (146)

I think it’s a cool game and all, and it’s fun to watch I think more than actually play for me, because I suck at it but I like the idea of getting good.

But at the same time… it’s not the only game I’m playing or anything. It’s the only online multiplayer shooter game I’m playing… because it’s the best one. 😛

I’ve woke up to a life of undeath

Maybe I will go back to sleep for a few years. I can’t let myself be this drained of motivation to do anything for too long. There’s so many things I want to do. But without any energy or zest for life, it’s difficult to even consider attempting anything but sitting here. It could be anything from as little as wanting to play a video game to wanting to see a friend to wanting to have something profound to write, or getting up for work, or getting a proper job, to literally anything big or small. To even write the next word of this pointless journaling is like an athlete training in reps of weight lifting. Just another set of a few more words and I can rest. But there’s so much I want to do. But if I can’t train myself to be naturally motivated, then I’ll always be either too excited to contain myself as the energy will overflow making me unable to function or simply never be there at all. I knew that it was going to be like this. I knew as I was planning the way I’d do it when I was able to that I wouldn’t be able to do it then. And now I think I’m done. Maybe right now more rest is just what’s in order.

Awake But Napping One Handed Journal

I’ve reached a state of pain in exhaustion, mostly coming from whatever happened to my wrist while I was high a few weeks ago. All I know is that it feels off. I don’t know if it’s strained, fractures, dislocated,… I have no idea. I’ve been so distracted by whatever I was stuck on while spun out, maybe. The pain was often not there in place of discomfort, but now that the will and the chemistry to do anything but collapse in  sore, sensitive, in pain… just generally and shit.

I would say that my nose is a large part of the physical discomfort going on. I’m also incurably blown away by all pollen, all dust. all trees, all grass, and that combined with the years of harshly having to rub out my nose for the smallest relief. And that isn’t even mentioning how for the first ten years of my adult life, my preferred way of doing drugs was in the nose…. which I would never do now that I have a deviated septum.

wtfnoses.png

Forget all the things you imagine about how it looks and make sure you understand that that isn’t even the part that matters. It feels fucked up. It doesn’t manage mucous in the nose well at all. That’s just a thing stimulants tend to do and often be. They’ll be drugs that effect the openness of your air passageways and such, for early days asthma treatment, and other breathing sinus and nasal issues. The sniffling isnt from put drugs in your nose. It’s from the drug itself opening your nose up and thinning out your mucuous and making it very wet bit sticky and hard to clean out. There’s always more of it, till I just tilt my head back let it all drip down into my throat  to take a break from the blowing and rubbing and itching in the transformed crevices of my reddening nose that will turn into sores, if I don’t stop… but by the time it’s some to this….

It’s over or if its not, there’s no way it will not be. In fact, I might go look out for the drowsiest medicine I got around the house. I’m ready for the sleep and the dope from the picture is all gone. Even if I had more my tolerance is insane and I cant stay up much longer. I’m nearly entirely removed from awareness of what I am doing besides just laying here, which is barely what I can manage. I definitely don’t know if I finished my thoughts in the first few paragraphs. I’m not going to bother. I might just find sleeping pills in supply around here for the best ones to take at a time like this — all of them.

And… I have to be ready to deal with a variety of things I’ll be recovering of specifically, that will be painful I think. But it will pass.

If there is any seriousness in what I’m saying come the days that follow, I will have to tell Jo– that I’m not going to be able to talk to him as much and to not hang out with him because having all the drugs is just not going to work out and that’s the way it is. I don’t really want to do that part. But like… realistically, at the very least, that has to be the short term solution is just not talk to him.]

I know that I’ve hated the journal writing I’m capable of built into a compulsive obsession I teach myself to do when I do it. The thing is, I feel like I’m in a part of my life again where I need journal writing, which helped me through my teenage and young adult years to stay sane and have a reason to take care of my thoughts and express myself in the LiveJournal…. which isn’t the same anymore. The goals of the Internet are a a lot less private. I don’t want to write private thoughts. When I’m able, I want to write something well for people to read — or as well as I can. That may be held together by a lot of this type of repeated posting that is more therapy for me and an exhibition show of real life shit for you. And while I’m not going to say any more than I want to say, I’ve said a lot. And… maybe the whole not writing a lot of trashy emo and melodrama out keeps me out of practice.

 

Whatever. The next post I want to say I’ll make happen as soon as I can, but I’m going to possibly sleep for as much as 24 hours. I might even wake up and go back to sleep for 12 more. We’ll see how bad it is. But I have to get back into motivating myself wake up and have energy to do stuff on m y own, because that’s how you have to kick it or it just won’t happen. So, I’m just going to try to write anything as often as I can find the energy to do it. Tea and Caffeine can be helpful

I just want to get to things I’ll do when I’m able, but first I have to sleep so… I’m really just going to take the drowsy medicine I have right exactly now. I’ll take another one later, too, if its not enough.