Memories of a Thing I Was Over

I spent hours writing a thing that when I stopped writing it, I instantly felt the opposite thing I had spent hours writing. I might post that thing later, but… it feels kind of incomplete, and I’m done writing it.  It’s like, how did I spend hours expressing a certain feeling only to lose it entirely the moment I stopped, and feel, “How did you feel that?”

I don’t really know how insane of a thing it is, and I figure I’ll read it when I wake up and decide what I think.  But I already know that the things I wrote, I don’t feel anymore, if I did feel them briefly

If I had to describe it in a few words… concern, and the feeling of revisiting an old thing wasn’t very good maybe. I’m slightly sad about it, but I think I’m just worn out. I’ll get over it.

It was kind of an emotional day, and I wanted to believe some of the nice things said, but I don’t. I saw an old friend. I feel like she’s on her way to prison, and as much as I can’t lose fondness for people from the past, I don’t know how good it was to have revisited it and talked about certain things.

I didn’t like seeing her like that, even if I have no place to judge. When I knew her, she was definitely not an angel at all. She might be one of the most fucked up people I know. She scares me a little bit, I think she means well. Or I don’t know if she does or not.

Mostly, she seems like she’s not okay. I really, truly want her to be. But I think I should just step back… I didn’t expect to feel memories of a thing I was over so vividly. But, ti’s just memories. They’re only too vivid right now, and it will pass I think.

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Awake But Napping One Handed Journal

I’ve reached a state of pain in exhaustion, mostly coming from whatever happened to my wrist while I was high a few weeks ago. All I know is that it feels off. I don’t know if it’s strained, fractures, dislocated,… I have no idea. I’ve been so distracted by whatever I was stuck on while spun out, maybe. The pain was often not there in place of discomfort, but now that the will and the chemistry to do anything but collapse in  sore, sensitive, in pain… just generally and shit.

I would say that my nose is a large part of the physical discomfort going on. I’m also incurably blown away by all pollen, all dust. all trees, all grass, and that combined with the years of harshly having to rub out my nose for the smallest relief. And that isn’t even mentioning how for the first ten years of my adult life, my preferred way of doing drugs was in the nose…. which I would never do now that I have a deviated septum.

wtfnoses.png

Forget all the things you imagine about how it looks and make sure you understand that that isn’t even the part that matters. It feels fucked up. It doesn’t manage mucous in the nose well at all. That’s just a thing stimulants tend to do and often be. They’ll be drugs that effect the openness of your air passageways and such, for early days asthma treatment, and other breathing sinus and nasal issues. The sniffling isnt from put drugs in your nose. It’s from the drug itself opening your nose up and thinning out your mucuous and making it very wet bit sticky and hard to clean out. There’s always more of it, till I just tilt my head back let it all drip down into my throat  to take a break from the blowing and rubbing and itching in the transformed crevices of my reddening nose that will turn into sores, if I don’t stop… but by the time it’s some to this….

It’s over or if its not, there’s no way it will not be. In fact, I might go look out for the drowsiest medicine I got around the house. I’m ready for the sleep and the dope from the picture is all gone. Even if I had more my tolerance is insane and I cant stay up much longer. I’m nearly entirely removed from awareness of what I am doing besides just laying here, which is barely what I can manage. I definitely don’t know if I finished my thoughts in the first few paragraphs. I’m not going to bother. I might just find sleeping pills in supply around here for the best ones to take at a time like this — all of them.

And… I have to be ready to deal with a variety of things I’ll be recovering of specifically, that will be painful I think. But it will pass.

If there is any seriousness in what I’m saying come the days that follow, I will have to tell Jo– that I’m not going to be able to talk to him as much and to not hang out with him because having all the drugs is just not going to work out and that’s the way it is. I don’t really want to do that part. But like… realistically, at the very least, that has to be the short term solution is just not talk to him.]

I know that I’ve hated the journal writing I’m capable of built into a compulsive obsession I teach myself to do when I do it. The thing is, I feel like I’m in a part of my life again where I need journal writing, which helped me through my teenage and young adult years to stay sane and have a reason to take care of my thoughts and express myself in the LiveJournal…. which isn’t the same anymore. The goals of the Internet are a a lot less private. I don’t want to write private thoughts. When I’m able, I want to write something well for people to read — or as well as I can. That may be held together by a lot of this type of repeated posting that is more therapy for me and an exhibition show of real life shit for you. And while I’m not going to say any more than I want to say, I’ve said a lot. And… maybe the whole not writing a lot of trashy emo and melodrama out keeps me out of practice.

 

Whatever. The next post I want to say I’ll make happen as soon as I can, but I’m going to possibly sleep for as much as 24 hours. I might even wake up and go back to sleep for 12 more. We’ll see how bad it is. But I have to get back into motivating myself wake up and have energy to do stuff on m y own, because that’s how you have to kick it or it just won’t happen. So, I’m just going to try to write anything as often as I can find the energy to do it. Tea and Caffeine can be helpful

I just want to get to things I’ll do when I’m able, but first I have to sleep so… I’m really just going to take the drowsy medicine I have right exactly now. I’ll take another one later, too, if its not enough.

 

 

Slowly Pass

I wouldn’t call this my first craving, since it’s not a craving. It’s the first crippling anxiety attack that puts me to sleep because I can’t move that I wake up from less than an hour later still having, trying to relax — not wanting nor having to resist any urge, but having a memory, a visualization, a transportation back into a place I was before. I cannot identify what is so terrifying. I can only feel it. And with the collection of these words, I can only now feel it beginning to slowly pass.

Having Feelings After a Long Time Without Them

So, when I started this (and probably still now), I didn’t want this to become a place where allowed I myself to be overly personal. I wanted to write informational entertainment and anecdotal histories. But what I am about to write is trashy journal writing. I don’t care.

I’m not on drugs anymore, but I’m still a Dadaist. Although, I probably never would have found Dadaism without drugs. And I’m very grateful for the philosophy, so that’s strange. Because I’m also very grateful that I am not on drugs, and that the things that drove me to a Dadaist view are no longer upon me directly. But, as a result of that, I am stronger. I am wiser than I would have been if I hadn’t faced as awful of things as I have.

One of the things that comes back after you’ve been on hard drugs for a while is… “feelings.” I know that’s not the technical term. But, for instance,feeling about people. The feelings that make you really like someone, really want someone, really love someone.

I’ve always had this thing for falling in love with girls I can’t have, especially those who are on the Internet and a great deal of our friendship starts off to do in writing, texts, etc. I don’t know what it is (or maybe I have some ideas), but… at a certain point in my life, both with and without the use of drugs to make it so, I have not felt actual feelings for anyone. The most I have felt in a long time is the amphetaminergic thirst to fuck hard, followed by the amphetaminergic necessity that is being alone.

I’ve never been promiscuous with anyone really, and if I ever have, I was young, and it was occasional. See, on dope, I had the sense to know that sex is negative and harmful on speed. It’s dangerous. If you’re having sex with other drugs users, you may be having sex with people who have used needles, sold their bodies, or something like that. It’s not everyone (the same way it wasn’t me), but there is that there and it’s very dangerous. It’s also destructive and it’s not healthy.

A stimulants effect on a person’s sex drive is fucked up. I have always known that. And for the most part, with small exception, I have acknowledged that not only can a user of this drug not be in a relationship with someone (“and why would they need to be anyway”), but they also can’t be having gross sex with them either (“and besides, it’s better without them”).

You become very detached the longer you do it. While high, you really don’t need anyone. You don’t stop to think about others terribly often either. Your mind just isn’t capable of it.

So… I have this friend… from the Internet. I’ve been friends with her off and on for coming up on 10 years at some point soonish. We used to not be busy adults and we talked all the time.

I try to keep in touch with her. I miss our affections from the past, which when we do talk, we talk about wishing we could see one another. But, we don’t have time to talk nearly as much. Or, at least she doesn’t text me back often anymore. I know life is more than our texting, and I try not take it personally. But this leads to me not texting her, which leads to her not texting me, which leads to me feeling this way.

These are feelings that originated when I started first using drugs, and I started first documenting my feelings. Somewhere I have a journal where I’m fifteen and writing about a girl that broke up with me. I’m miserable. I’m a wreck. Shortly after, I start trying pills that kids with “ADD” pass out to us, because they hate taking them (because they can’t sleep at night). And pretty soon… I don’t write about her ever again.

So that’s a thing that I can’t allow to drive me back one day.

Right now, I’m not at all worried.

Thank you for indulging this garbage.

dopefree for a month but from time to time have a blunt

I don’t really smoke blunts. They’re common around here these days and pretty much everywhere, but I still roll my marijuana cigarettes with a paper, and no tobacco; although I do give them European styled cardboard filter tips, just because it’s frankly the most sophisticated way to smoke it from my perspective (and not to diminish anyone else’s…)

This is because I break glass pipes too often to go buy another one while I’m spending a lot of the money I was spending on dope (and more, as a matter of fact) on computer parts.

This is basically just part one, as I still have a lot of parts to buy.


I haven’t really been in the mood to write lately, you guys. Maybe it does have a lot to do with losing my habit and having other ways to occupy my mind than graphomania … like learning how to do stuff like this.

And I just wanted to say that… I will try to write when I can, but if I don’t, it’s because I’m not doing dope anymore… still. And I will come back to make sure you still know eventually, and to show you pictures of my growing baby.

The Great Way is not difficult for those without preferences.

Except, I kind of do have some preferences about these computer parts, admittedly.

And with marijuana, I have shown how doable it is for some people to give up hard drugs and still keep it. And because of its value in this way,. I am not ashamed of it. It’s beautiful, unlike the twisted things I forsake.

Of course, I won’t be smoking it with the fans running on the rig…. if you were wondering.

Dozen Days Dope-Free

asd1

So I’ve turned on my Facebook again so that I could reach out to people in my life who would care that I’m a dozen days drug-free, or at the very least, provide a post of stability with which I can be socially pressured to take talking openly about my addiction seriously and resist moments of weakness.

I would say so far, that this has provided me — in addition to how fed up with it all I’ve become — with the will to not really have too much difficulty so far. It boils down to, do you really want to not be using, like badly enough to do… or do you just wish that you were strong enough? …And, pride-less enough. Because you sort of have to be open about whether or not you are or not using. At least, I do.

So I’ve been posting small posts there.

I have been turning down social occasions that involve alcohol because I know at this early stage that could be all it takes to change my mind. I’ve been investing a lot of my money into a very expensive hobby that is basically leaving me broke, and forcing me to use my energy to do things… without stimulants… so that at least at this stage, even if I wanted to break my resolve, I don’t have the spare money to do it.

I bought a Ryzen 5 1600 processor and an MSI B350 motherboard. I’m going to be picking up a GPU and case with my next paychecks.

It’s funny because building a PC is a project I started on speed, one which usually doesn’t get finished because its too big for the scope of the mind of a tweaker.

The first thing I had to do was DRAG myself out of bed, after a week of sleeping, and be like, “Okay, I’m not going to get high, what am I going to do?” and this expensive computer part shows up at my door.

And I’m like… well… I guess I’m going to build a computer. So I’ve been forcing myself to learn how to do it and its been occupying my mind and I think….

The problem a tweaker has is the inability to get anything done without artificial stimulation. Its the problem I have anyway. And so, I’e just been doing it without, solely based on the fact that I manicly invested a lot of money into a computer part while high.

So ironically, the project I am continuing sober is helping to adjust my mind to being productive on my own… doing a thing that I never would have done if I hadn’t been using.

My, this fits into a lot of my categories. Learning to write and continue these things I started while using is going to take some time. But I’m doing it.