I’ve woke up to a life of undeath

Maybe I will go back to sleep for a few years. I can’t let myself be this drained of motivation to do anything for too long. There’s so many things I want to do. But without any energy or zest for life, it’s difficult to even consider attempting anything but sitting here. It could be anything from as little as wanting to play a video game to wanting to see a friend to wanting to have something profound to write, or getting up for work, or getting a proper job, to literally anything big or small. To even write the next word of this pointless journaling is like an athlete training in reps of weight lifting. Just another set of a few more words and I can rest. But there’s so much I want to do. But if I can’t train myself to be naturally motivated, then I’ll always be either too excited to contain myself as the energy will overflow making me unable to function or simply never be there at all. I knew that it was going to be like this. I knew as I was planning the way I’d do it when I was able to that I wouldn’t be able to do it then. And now I think I’m done. Maybe right now more rest is just what’s in order.

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Long Time No See

I haven’t written on this page in quite a while. If I look at it, I’d be willing to bet I can’t even recognize the person I see, save for the vestiges of my memories, where a very small amount of things are kept at one time.

I’m still amphetamine free! How many months is that? I quit October 2nd of last year, so… I’m not trying to keep a tally anymore. It just is what it is. One of the things I posted recently was, Exgf told me to come see her and I said I couldn’t. She told me she had dope. I told her the answer still nope.I still find that talking about my choices publicly makes it easier to stick by them, and to anyone who is struggling with committing to it when they know they want to stop, is to tell everyone who doesnt know and talk about it. It’s hard to do but it helps.

It’s almost like I avoid the outside world though. I go to work, I come home, I get on Discord, and I play video games.

Oh! That’s another thing I do now, and it’s probably why I don’t write here much anymore. I stream on Twitch, although very much as a side hobby, when I have time — not professionally or anything.

It’s weird to get most of your social life through a community chat room where you’re sometimes on camera but no one else is. I feel like it’s somewhat asocial. I feel very obnoxious and annoying a lot of the time, but at the same time, I don’t have it in me to care enough. I just do what I do. And maybe, to mitigate the social awkwardness this creates, I have decided I’m better off on my own.

Like, even now there is at least a couple of text messages with Saturday night offerings to come out. I guess it’s easy to use the excuse that I have to work in the morning, which I do! It’s not an excuse. I do have to work in the monring. But… It’s also an excuse. I’ve become overly comfortable minimizing my communication with people.

To the point that I don’t even really need to express myself badly enough to often write out my thoughts for others to understand me. It’s almost like, this is my compromise. I’m not going to go out and be actually social, but I’ll at least write out my thoughts for others to read, so that in some way, there is human interaction.

If you want to find me on Twitch, I’m zengnome.

Other than that…. I can’t promise I’m going to write here all the time or anything, but I might try it again. Part of me would like to start doing written reviews of the games I play.

I ended up finishing that computer I started. It’s amazing what kinds of things you can actually finish when your mind is on the ground somewhat.

If I write again, it will probably be about my video game playing.

 

Having Feelings After a Long Time Without Them

So, when I started this (and probably still now), I didn’t want this to become a place where allowed I myself to be overly personal. I wanted to write informational entertainment and anecdotal histories. But what I am about to write is trashy journal writing. I don’t care.

I’m not on drugs anymore, but I’m still a Dadaist. Although, I probably never would have found Dadaism without drugs. And I’m very grateful for the philosophy, so that’s strange. Because I’m also very grateful that I am not on drugs, and that the things that drove me to a Dadaist view are no longer upon me directly. But, as a result of that, I am stronger. I am wiser than I would have been if I hadn’t faced as awful of things as I have.

One of the things that comes back after you’ve been on hard drugs for a while is… “feelings.” I know that’s not the technical term. But, for instance,feeling about people. The feelings that make you really like someone, really want someone, really love someone.

I’ve always had this thing for falling in love with girls I can’t have, especially those who are on the Internet and a great deal of our friendship starts off to do in writing, texts, etc. I don’t know what it is (or maybe I have some ideas), but… at a certain point in my life, both with and without the use of drugs to make it so, I have not felt actual feelings for anyone. The most I have felt in a long time is the amphetaminergic thirst to fuck hard, followed by the amphetaminergic necessity that is being alone.

I’ve never been promiscuous with anyone really, and if I ever have, I was young, and it was occasional. See, on dope, I had the sense to know that sex is negative and harmful on speed. It’s dangerous. If you’re having sex with other drugs users, you may be having sex with people who have used needles, sold their bodies, or something like that. It’s not everyone (the same way it wasn’t me), but there is that there and it’s very dangerous. It’s also destructive and it’s not healthy.

A stimulants effect on a person’s sex drive is fucked up. I have always known that. And for the most part, with small exception, I have acknowledged that not only can a user of this drug not be in a relationship with someone (“and why would they need to be anyway”), but they also can’t be having gross sex with them either (“and besides, it’s better without them”).

You become very detached the longer you do it. While high, you really don’t need anyone. You don’t stop to think about others terribly often either. Your mind just isn’t capable of it.

So… I have this friend… from the Internet. I’ve been friends with her off and on for coming up on 10 years at some point soonish. We used to not be busy adults and we talked all the time.

I try to keep in touch with her. I miss our affections from the past, which when we do talk, we talk about wishing we could see one another. But, we don’t have time to talk nearly as much. Or, at least she doesn’t text me back often anymore. I know life is more than our texting, and I try not take it personally. But this leads to me not texting her, which leads to her not texting me, which leads to me feeling this way.

These are feelings that originated when I started first using drugs, and I started first documenting my feelings. Somewhere I have a journal where I’m fifteen and writing about a girl that broke up with me. I’m miserable. I’m a wreck. Shortly after, I start trying pills that kids with “ADD” pass out to us, because they hate taking them (because they can’t sleep at night). And pretty soon… I don’t write about her ever again.

So that’s a thing that I can’t allow to drive me back one day.

Right now, I’m not at all worried.

Thank you for indulging this garbage.

Dozen Days Dope-Free

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So I’ve turned on my Facebook again so that I could reach out to people in my life who would care that I’m a dozen days drug-free, or at the very least, provide a post of stability with which I can be socially pressured to take talking openly about my addiction seriously and resist moments of weakness.

I would say so far, that this has provided me — in addition to how fed up with it all I’ve become — with the will to not really have too much difficulty so far. It boils down to, do you really want to not be using, like badly enough to do… or do you just wish that you were strong enough? …And, pride-less enough. Because you sort of have to be open about whether or not you are or not using. At least, I do.

So I’ve been posting small posts there.

I have been turning down social occasions that involve alcohol because I know at this early stage that could be all it takes to change my mind. I’ve been investing a lot of my money into a very expensive hobby that is basically leaving me broke,¬†and forcing me to use my energy to do things… without stimulants… so that at least at this stage, even if I wanted to break my resolve, I don’t have the spare money to do it.

I bought a Ryzen 5 1600 processor and an MSI B350 motherboard. I’m going to be picking up a GPU and case with my next paychecks.

It’s funny because building a PC is a project I started on speed, one which usually doesn’t get finished because its too big for the scope of the mind of a tweaker.

The first thing I had to do was DRAG myself out of bed, after a week of sleeping, and be like, “Okay, I’m not going to get high, what am I going to do?” and this expensive computer part shows up at my door.

And I’m like… well… I guess I’m going to build a computer. So I’ve been forcing myself to learn how to do it and its been occupying my mind and I think….

The problem a tweaker has is the inability to get anything done without artificial stimulation. Its the problem I have anyway. And so, I’e just been doing it without, solely based on the fact that I manicly invested a lot of money into a computer part while high.

So ironically, the project I am continuing sober is helping to adjust my mind to being productive on my own… doing a thing that I never would have done if I hadn’t been using.

My, this fits into a lot of my categories. Learning to write and continue these things I started while using is going to take some time. But I’m doing it.