I’ve reached a state of pain in exhaustion, mostly coming from whatever happened to my wrist while I was high a few weeks ago. All I know is that it feels off. I don’t know if it’s strained, fractures, dislocated,… I have no idea. I’ve been so distracted by whatever I was stuck on while spun out, maybe. The pain was often not there in place of discomfort, but now that the will and the chemistry to do anything but collapse in sore, sensitive, in pain… just generally and shit.
I would say that my nose is a large part of the physical discomfort going on. I’m also incurably blown away by all pollen, all dust. all trees, all grass, and that combined with the years of harshly having to rub out my nose for the smallest relief. And that isn’t even mentioning how for the first ten years of my adult life, my preferred way of doing drugs was in the nose…. which I would never do now that I have a deviated septum.
Forget all the things you imagine about how it looks and make sure you understand that that isn’t even the part that matters. It feels fucked up. It doesn’t manage mucous in the nose well at all. That’s just a thing stimulants tend to do and often be. They’ll be drugs that effect the openness of your air passageways and such, for early days asthma treatment, and other breathing sinus and nasal issues. The sniffling isnt from put drugs in your nose. It’s from the drug itself opening your nose up and thinning out your mucuous and making it very wet bit sticky and hard to clean out. There’s always more of it, till I just tilt my head back let it all drip down into my throat to take a break from the blowing and rubbing and itching in the transformed crevices of my reddening nose that will turn into sores, if I don’t stop… but by the time it’s some to this….
It’s over or if its not, there’s no way it will not be. In fact, I might go look out for the drowsiest medicine I got around the house. I’m ready for the sleep and the dope from the picture is all gone. Even if I had more my tolerance is insane and I cant stay up much longer. I’m nearly entirely removed from awareness of what I am doing besides just laying here, which is barely what I can manage. I definitely don’t know if I finished my thoughts in the first few paragraphs. I’m not going to bother. I might just find sleeping pills in supply around here for the best ones to take at a time like this — all of them.
And… I have to be ready to deal with a variety of things I’ll be recovering of specifically, that will be painful I think. But it will pass.
If there is any seriousness in what I’m saying come the days that follow, I will have to tell Jo– that I’m not going to be able to talk to him as much and to not hang out with him because having all the drugs is just not going to work out and that’s the way it is. I don’t really want to do that part. But like… realistically, at the very least, that has to be the short term solution is just not talk to him.]
I know that I’ve hated the journal writing I’m capable of built into a compulsive obsession I teach myself to do when I do it. The thing is, I feel like I’m in a part of my life again where I need journal writing, which helped me through my teenage and young adult years to stay sane and have a reason to take care of my thoughts and express myself in the LiveJournal…. which isn’t the same anymore. The goals of the Internet are a a lot less private. I don’t want to write private thoughts. When I’m able, I want to write something well for people to read — or as well as I can. That may be held together by a lot of this type of repeated posting that is more therapy for me and an exhibition show of real life shit for you. And while I’m not going to say any more than I want to say, I’ve said a lot. And… maybe the whole not writing a lot of trashy emo and melodrama out keeps me out of practice.
Whatever. The next post I want to say I’ll make happen as soon as I can, but I’m going to possibly sleep for as much as 24 hours. I might even wake up and go back to sleep for 12 more. We’ll see how bad it is. But I have to get back into motivating myself wake up and have energy to do stuff on m y own, because that’s how you have to kick it or it just won’t happen. So, I’m just going to try to write anything as often as I can find the energy to do it. Tea and Caffeine can be helpful
I just want to get to things I’ll do when I’m able, but first I have to sleep so… I’m really just going to take the drowsy medicine I have right exactly now. I’ll take another one later, too, if its not enough.